Let Me Eat Cake (Please, I'm Begging!)

This "diet" of mine is really frustrating me. Using the d-word loosely, of course.
When I was in college, one of the electives I took for my major was "The Psychology of Aging." I recall a class wherein our professor told us that women are at a disadvantage after the age of 25 because their bodies begin to deteriorate, and are unable to bounce back they way they used to. Things like losing weight become more difficult, gaining weight becomes easier, the skin loses its elasticity more rapidly, bone loss increases tenfold, etc. It turns out that estrogen is damaging to our bodies after a certain age. Yippee.
Anyhow, when I turned 25 just about 3 years ago I remember thinking "this is it." I thought things would noticibly go downhill for me. I was so happy that they didn't. Nothing really seemed to change.
I've always been the small chick. The one people say "I wish I were as thin as you" to all the time. It's always been annoying to me because, with being small, I've always had a hard time finding pants that are short enough for me, shirts that don't exaggerate the smallness of my bust, etc. But despite that, I've always enjoyed it. I'm little. 5'2" max and never more than about 108.
In May of '06 I ended a nearly 5 year relationship. It was devastating. I ended up dropping to 97-98 pounds at my lowest, over the summer. I couldn't eat, I was just so sick with sadness. So I went on antidepressants in August (Lexapro) and felt much better. October 15th I still weighed in under 100 pounds. Thanksgiving day I weighed in at 118. WHAT? I gained 20 pounds in like 6 or 8 weeks? Huh? Is that even possible? Now, keep in mind I'm the kind of gal that eats cake, cookies, junk food all the time and does not gain weight. No matter what I'm doing, I weigh 108 pounds max. No matter what.
I've been watching my food intake and I don't think I'm eating like a pig or anything. In fact, I'm really not eating any differently than I have in my entire adult life since I moved out of my parents house and have been on my own. So why the sudden weight gain?
The only thing I can blame it on is the Lexapro. It came on so fast and furious, and for really no good reason. I blame being over 25 on my inability to drop it quickly like I always used to be able to.
I don't feel like I'm a fat person. I'm not. I'm still in the "normal" range by far. However, do you know what it is like to gain 20 pounds in less than 2 months? It's really devastating. You literally wake up fatter one day. I mean, I woke up one day and nothing fit me. It was that dramatic. It was and has been horrible for me. And again, I emphasize that I'm still small. But for ME and how I have always been, it's hard and sad and shocking to go from a size 2 short to a size 8 short in 2 months. It's hard emotionally, and very hard financially when you need to replace the majority of your wardrobe. And because I'm short and need to buy short, anke or petite lengths (which are not that easy to find), I end up shopping at stores like the Gap and American Eagle because they offer those lengths. Not cheap. It's so frustrating.
So I've been eating healthy, would someone please tell me why I haven't lost any weight? It all settled in my hips and butt (of course not in my boobs, please, that would be too lucky or me). I've been increasing how much walking I do, parking further away and walking up and down every aisle in the stores and things like that, and I've been doing some basic leg raises and floor exercises at home. Nothing strenuous, because I have a bad knee and physically can't be too, too active. I've started eating much better. During the work week I'll spread out over my 8 or 9 hour day: 1-2 pieces of fruit, a fat free yogurt and a Lean Cuisine or Lean Pocket. That's all I eat. When I get home from work I make dinner and eat it. It's not low fat, but it's not high fat either. I don't eat fried foods, I use all low-fat dressings and condiments and things like that. I don't pig out. If I am dying for chocolate, I won't eat the cakes and cookies and snacks I used to be able to snack on daily. Instead, I'll have some chocolate pudding made with skim milk that is low in calories and fat free. So why am I not losing weight? I want to lose 10 pounds so my normal clothes fit me and I am happy and comfy in my own skin. I hate this, I truly do.
It's been a cold winter. Not snowy, but frigid. i.e. not conducive to being outdoors. So now that March is just about here I think I'll start walking outdoors every day. Or at least 5/7 days per week. I'll start during the week when the clocks go ahead, because it's not safe to walk outdoors in my neighborhood at night (I'll get run over most likely). And I guess I need to start going to the gym. The apartment community has a pretty good one.
You know, it's not even the weight, the number. It's my thighs. They're 30 to 50% larger than I am used to them being. And they're full of the old lovely cottage cheese. Sigh.

1 comments:

Deneen said...
Tuesday, 27 February, 2007

I am not a doctor, speaking from experience. I had gained 30 lbs last year from using Prednisone. I thought I would die. I had been tiny like you when I was younger, slowly gained some weight as I got older (the metabolism does slow down). I also was taking Paxil for years and noticed 5 lbs would creep on here and there. Long story short, I went off all anti-depressant meds last April and did the taper off of steroids-not immediately, but by July, with no change in eating, I lost 40 lbs-I am still the same weight since. I discussed it with my doctor and he did tell me the steroids weight would come off, but the antidepressant causes weight gain, even if they say it's not a side effect. I am determined not to go back on them. If I was deeply depressed, I would consider it, but gaining the weight depressed me and made things worse-bad, vicious circle.

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