TGIF is an Understatement

Aside from a much needed trip to the grocery store sometime Saturday, I plan to do a whole ton of nothing this weekend aside from watching movies while crocheting and, possibly, sewing (though I hate, hate, hate to sew). Except for tonight that is. Tonight. Sigh.

So about a year ago I broke up with an incredible guy after 5 years. We had lived together for 3 and I love(d) him more than you'd imagine. But it was obvious it was never going to work out. I wanted kids and marriage, he vowed he would never have either. I was always begging him to spend more time with me, he was always at his art studio painting. He wasn't really neglectful per say, but artists tend to be pretty self-absorbed by nature and he was always (and I mean always) painting. As in, he'd get home from work around 8:15 pm and he'd be at his art studio before 9 pm. Our time was so limited, and after a while I just needed a lot more than he could give me. Which sucks, really, that I couldn't just be content with what I had, because like I said I loved him a disgusting amount. And he loved me too, blah blah blah. We were both crushed when we broke up. And I mean crushed.

I stayed with my parents to get my feet back on the ground and moved in with a dear, dear friend in October. Pretty much immediately we started dating. It was too soon and we both know it now. But it's been 6 months now, and I'm very happy with my decision. Though I'll always love Dan, Mark is more suited for me in terms of life goals. He's the more logical choice I guess. Sigh.

Anyhow, Dan's got an art show tonight. He's never done a solo show before. On my birthday, he stopped by briefly to give me a card and to say hello. My niece, now 13, has known Dan since she was 7 and he's always been a part of her life that she can remember. She would stay with us for weekends at a time and she just adored him. Well, on my birthday she was overjoyed to see him. I couldn't believe the excitement on her face. So I asked her if she would like to see Dan's art show. She of course said yes. Word got to my mother last week that I was taking her, and my parents freak out and want to go, too. Alaina's soon to be step-sister wants to go, even though she only knew Dan for a year. My nephew, who is 8 and knew Dan since 2, wants to go. Long story short, my whole family is now going to support my ex-boyfriend because, weird situation or not, he's family.

I do want to go, I really do. But I don't at the same time. I miss him all the time as much as I never want to see him again. It's hard to explain. He's this massive hole inside me. Time eases that, but I often wonder if you never really lose that one first love. I often wonder if I will carry him around with me until my old age. I want to so badly, but at the same time I hope I never think of him again. It's a hard, strange situation. To leave someone you love more than anything in order to save yourself from resenting him in 10 years is not easy, and I don't pretend it ever was. Even now, a year later, it's ridiculously difficult.

So I have to do that tonight. But I'm just so stressed and tired to begin with that I'm not in the mood to go one bit. In fact, I'm getting that weird social anxiety thing that I get from time to time where I have to really try and force myself to make any sort of eye contact with people. I've always been pretty anxious in general, but add to my normal state a lack of sleep, an ex-boyfriend/family reunion, and a whole lot of work and personal stress and I'm not sure how retarded I'll act tonight. I don't have much faith in myself.

So, because I've been so tired lately from this whole Mark surgery thing, I'm going to put on a pair of gray sweats and, after going to the grocery store tomorrow morning, not remove my ass from the couch all weekend. I'm doing this new budget cooking thing where I'm making huge quantities of food and freezing the leftovers, and most everything is made from scratch (who would have thought pre-packaged was so much more expensive), so there will be a bit of cooking this weekend. Nothing difficult, mostly things that cook all day long like homemade beef vegetable soup, that require minimal maintenance. I'm going to watch the millions of movies on the DVR that I've collected in the past month and crochet as much as I can. If my stress level is low I'm going to sew a hook organizer, though I hate to sew and need to be in a really good and happy mood to do so, otherwise I'll probably throw my sewing machine out the window. It's going to be one of those organizers that is one long strip of fabric with little pockets in it for the hooks, that you roll up when not in use and tie shut with a ribbon. Simple.

I've got so much work to do in the office, but I'm free in 3 hours.


Deneen said...
Friday, 20 April, 2007

If you are uncomfortable going, don't go-let your family go. Don't add more stress on yourself then you already have.

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