Resisting the urge...

...to feel paranoid.

I'm really trying hard to keep a level head today, and not start having these conspiracy theories about the asshole doctor I saw yesterday. I'm trying to just calm down, but I've got to tell you, it's difficult.

I know the colonoscopy will be a piece of cake. I know it will be, because I'll be asleep just like I was for the endoscopy. What will suck is the prep the day before. I don't need to go into details--y'all know it's gonna suck. You just have to suck it up and deal, and that's the best you can do.

But...

I can't help but feel a bit paranoid about having it to begin with. I was seeing a great woman in this very doctor's office, and she told me that they would be doing upper GI tests, because I have no indication of any lower abdominal issues. This was reiterated to me in the ER. And even yesterday, when the asshole doctor told me he thought what I needed were some antidepressants and some good self-reflection, immediately followed by his ever so professional statement that he was certain no more tests were needed because they wouldn't show any problems...he orders a colonoscopy. I have to keep telling myself that getting this test is a good idea anyway--better safe than sorry--blah, blah, blah. But that paranoid part of me wonders if he's just trying to punish me. This belief is somewhat compounded by the prep he's given me. I'm very research oriented. So naturally I looked up colonoscopy online. I didn't really learn anything new, basically that the prep sucks but the test is no biggie because you're under anesthesia. What I found interesting though was that I can't find anything (from bloggers and personal experience type sites) on the prep I have to do. Most preps involve drinking quite a bit of liquid. It's just unpleasant. But I have to drink 64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with 225 mg of some medicine I can't recall the name of (Glycolax? Something like that) THREE times. Once at 10 am the day before, then at 6 pm, then I have to get up at 3 am and do it again. Doesn't that seem a bit much? All the stories I've read involve a lot less liquid than that. And to put it into perspective for you, that's nine 20-ounce soda bottles. I know I'm being paranoid, but I kind of feel like he's punishing me. There are so many easier preps out there, that it seems suspicious I'd have this one. Especially since my father used this same GI to have his colonoscopy when he turned 60, and he didn't have nearly that amount of crap to drink. I'm a little 105 pound girl. I don't get why I need extra cleaning out.

So, I need to stop this nonsense. Suck it up and just say yep, I have a doctor I don't like, and move on. I'll get the tests while looking for someone else. I didn't need an antidepressant before I saw him, but if I keep dwelling I might. Well, not an antidepressant actually. More like an anti-rage pill.

I was never dying to get a surgical referral and gallbladder surgery if there was a chance that my gallbladder wasn't to blame for the discomfort I'm having. I don't want to have an unnecessary procedure by any means, and I don't have my heart set on having a particular issue. But the doctor led me to believe that my problem was probably gallbladder, and if the HIDA scan were repeated in a few months I'd fail for sure. Of course I was naturally pleased that a doctor thought she found the cause of my problem, and found a solution. Of course that would make anyone happy! But to be told one week that I'm going to need surgery, and then be told the following week that it's in my head? I feel pretty let down. By both of them. Because now, I'm not so sure I believe the first doctor. Was she too hasty? She was certainly sweet and caring, but I can't help but second guess her. And the second doctor--well, let's just not go there. I know my head and I know my body. When I'm stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I catch every cold within a 10 mile radius. I sleep all the time. I get worn out. I don't get stomach issues. I know my body, and I know this is not mental. I don't know how I know--I just do.

3 comments:

Amy said...
Wednesday, 12 December, 2007

April - I just read today's and yesterday's entries. I'm so sorry you're having problems with your dr. on top of having problems with your body!

I would suggest, since you say you research stuff all the time, that you might want to approach your *** doctor in the same way. You think it's in my head? Why do you think that? What evidence do you have? If you think it's my head, why are you performing these tests? What do you expect to find? What symptoms do you see that would indicate this is a valid test? You don't have to be nasty, just ask as though you are researching for someone else. Make him justify his position!

HobbyZu said...
Thursday, 13 December, 2007

I really hope you'll be able to get some straight and 'correct' answers to what's going on. Maybe you need to see yet another doctor? I just hope you get through this mess soon and get on track to feeling better. I'll pray for you. :-)

Andy's Crafts said...
Thursday, 13 December, 2007

I agree with Amy, you will get prayers,but you need to set the record straight and ask questions. The way you feel is the way I felt,I know my body and my head. Don't lose your center and ride the waves. You are in charge of your health.

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