It's Here

The long awaited first appointment with the new GI specialist is this afternoon. I made the appointment 10 weeks ago, and I've been rather impatient for this day to arrive.

When this first started in October, I was in a lot more pain than I'm in now. Reason being, the first few weeks I was put on a basic ulcer/gastritis diet. Unfortunately, I was avoiding the wrong foods. So as a result, I was in pretty awful pain most of the time, because I hadn't yet made the strong connection between my symptoms and what I put into my body. After a few months of trial and error, I've gotten to a point where those bouts of awful pain only come once per week, sometimes once every other week. It's always, always after something fattening. And when I say "fattening" I don't mean McDonald's cheeseburger. I mean fattening as in 2 or 3 grams of fat can trigger a painful reaction. I stick to about 3 grams of fat or less per meal. Every now and again even that will have me doubled over in pain, but for the most part it works out well. I have a good idea of what to avoid in order to function well without extreme. Which also means, I can give my doctor a more accurate picture of what is going on. In the beginning all I knew was that I hurt, and I hurt badly, more often than not. Now I'm hoping that knowledge is power, and with this more specific picture of what my symptoms are and when they occur, the new doctor will be able to pinpoint what is wrong with me. No matter what it is, at this point I don't care, so long as it's something tangible, something with a name and a course of treatment.

I know full well that eating less than 10 grams of fat per day is not healthy, and I know sooner or later it's going to catch up to me in ways other than fatigue and weight loss. The weight loss is bad enough. Mark and I often watch the show "Intervention" about people with addiction problems. They frequently document individuals with eating disorders. Like most people, I find myself a bit horrified to see a woman with bones jutting out of her body because she is anorexic. It's heart-breaking and it's so unhealthy. Well, the other night I was undressing for bed, and I caught myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. I'm not really body-conscious. I never have been. I don't stand in front of the mirror and check myself out with no clothing on, so it's not unusual that with all this weight loss I haven't really paid much attention to how my body actually looks. So I was changing out of my work clothes, and I saw my ribs, every single one of them. It stopped me dead in my tracks and I found my self grasping at my torso and starting to cry. I could count every rib. If I lean forward my spine sticks out of my back like a mohawk. My collar bone and my breast bone are both extremely prominent. My pelvic bones are sticking out. It horrified me. I don't know why I hadn't noticed this before. I know that often times if Mark hugs me, it hurts, and I've known on some conscious level that it's because I'm so boney, but I've tried to pretend it's not bothersome. I've tried to ignore the weight loss because I'm trying to remain positive and not get upset, because I know it won't help me in any way. But what I saw in that mirror? It was a total stranger. It was a body I didn't even recognize. In four months, I've lost 25% of my body weight. I cannot go on like this. So, I pray this doctor can help me. I pray that he will hear me, and see me, and take this very seriously. In the beginning I swore up and down that stress was not playing a role in these stomach issues. But now, I cannot deny that my stomach issues are playing a huge role in my stress level.

So I hope and I pray that today's appointment can give me some positive news.


Deneen said...
Friday, 07 March, 2008

Sending good thoughts your way-but please don't be disappointed when more tests have to be ordered and stuff. They can't just look at you and figure it out.

I assumed you must look very gaunt from the weight loss you described and was worried, but it's not my place to say anything.

Good luck-here if you need anything.

Lizze said...
Friday, 07 March, 2008

update! update! tell us what happened. sending good thoughts and prayers your way. *hugs*

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